I think anybody who is a mother can relate to feeling like you've lost yourself to motherhood. You put yourself on the back burner a bit. I bathe, dress and feed Norah before I ever do those things for myself. She is my first thought always. Her happiness is the most important thing. It seems like every few months I have a meltdown where I am suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts like "what am I going to do with my life?"

Last night I was having my quarterly identity crisis saying things like,"who am I?", "what am I even doing with my life?", "what do I want to be?", etc. and after my bouts of selfishness Norah suddenly woke up crying really loud and Cameron jumped up out of bed to go grab her from her crib. I got up as well to help find her binky in her crib and the second I got close, even in the complete darkness, she knew I was near and reached her body towards me. I grabbed her and she laid her head on my shoulder and immediately stopped crying and fell back asleep in a second. I got into bed holding her while she held onto me with a tight grip but still so calm. I began to slowly cry and said out loud, "I love her so much my heart is going to explode. I got my answer."

God knows exactly who I am meant to be. He knows who I can become. He knows my purpose. Right now I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Raising, loving and caring for our sweet Norah. I needed that reminder right then and He gave me that.

playing catch up

the months have just flown by and i have been MIA. but with good reason. this girl is the reason, ok. I have a feeling you'll forgive me? thanks.

road trip to idaho

a few months ago cameron had a week off from school and work so we decided to drive up to idaho to visit my family and explore around a little bit. it was really a fun adventure to get away for a while with norah in tow. here are a few pictures we took from the trip. better late than never?

When Norah was just 2 months old, I made this video and never posted it. I came across it just recently and want to share it with you. It unbelievable to see how much she has grown! It is so easy to forget the little faces and movements they make. So I hope to make another video of her now to keep for memories. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX1Zjc22UDI&feature=youtu.be&list=UUY3uo1vaP_90WJK-JF77WwA

Norah & We Wander Floral

Norah and I got together with the talented Brenna Williams also known as We Wander Floral. I am so lucky to have artistic friends. The flowers were gorgeous and Norah was as sweet as can be. I can't help but look at these photos and be in complete awe for how blessed I am to have such a beautiful little girl as my daughter. God makes no mistakes, she is perfect. 

I began reflecting on the sameness of nature and children. Both are beautiful and unique, fragile and delicate, both need love and attention to grow. They are two of God's greatest gifts to us. He is the ultimate artist and creator. 

Here are a few of my favorites.

The lighting is really bad on the next two photos, but they were too cute not to share...

Flowers by We Wander Floral at www.wewanderfloral.com

n e e d s

It was 5:30am and I had already been up with Norah for an hour. She was crying for reasons I couldn't figure out. I was so tired and getting frustrated. Cameron was getting ready for work and I was saying things like " I can't do this" and "she can just cry then." My eyes could hardly stay opened and my patience was running thin. The more frustrated I got, the more she seemed to cry. Finally I broke down in tears praying I would know what to do. I cried and Norah looked me in the eyes and it felt like she knew. Like she could hear my prayer. I told her out loud how sorry I was for being mean and getting frustrated and she stopped crying, shut her eyes and fell asleep. 

I think about how much she needs from me. She completely relies on me to feed her, change her diapers, bathe her, clothe her, swaddle her, comfort her, burp her, love her. But what I realized that morning was I need her too. She humbles me and reminds me that it's okay to cry and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not expected to be a perfect mother, but I am expected to do my very best. She reminds me to pray and ask for help and thank Him for the blessing of motherhood. She teaches me patience and selflessness. She slows me down so I can enjoy the little moments. She reminds me of innocence and purity.  She reminds me that I am a child of God. She strengthens my faith in myself and Christ. She shows me true, unconditional love. 

God knows I need her much more than she needs me. 

Norah Pearl Bennett / Birth Story

My due date was April 28th and it had already gone and passed. It's a strange feeling waking up days after your due date and still not having a baby. I found myself in tears at least once a day with a prayer in my heart that the right time would be soon. On Sunday, May 4th I felt that my water might be leaking, so Cameron and I headed to the hospital around 3 pm. They checked and my water had not broken. I felt disappointed. I had been scheduled for an induction that night and hoped I would naturally go into labor before then. The hours were running out though and since I was already at the hospital Cameron and I along with our doctor decided to begin inducing labor right then.

My doctor came and broke my water, informed me I was 4 cm dilated and then allowed me one hour to begin having natural contractions before turning to Pitocin. No contractions. Pitocin was given to me the next hour. Slowly I began to contract. I moved from the bed to a rocking chair to a birthing ball to the wall to Cameron. Nothing seemed to be helpful. The contractions were coming every minute or two. I wanted to walk or get in the tub but because of the Pitocin I had to be monitored at all times. I was disappointed but it had been 4 hours so I thought maybe if I had made progress it would give me the push I needed to continue.

I was still 4 cm dilated. Not what I wanted to hear but I just kept working with the pain. I was breathing the way I had practiced for so long. My mom was rubbing and pushing on my back and knees. I was thinking of my baby and reminding myself that I was strong. The pain increased and the contractions grew closer together. I sat on a birthing ball with Cameron in front of me encouraging me through each contraction. I was exhausted. I started to become dizzy and nauseous so I got back into the bed afraid I might lose balance on the ball. It had been another 4 hours so I figured I must be progressing and wanted to be checked. The nurse again said I was still 4 cm. 

My dizziness, chills, nausea and overall pain became unbearable. I was exhausted with no signs of progression. In between contractions I began telling Cameron I wasn't sure I could continue like this. He talked with me, encouraged me and then eventually allowed me to make my decision. I told the nurse I wanted an epidural. She too also talked with me to make sure I was positive this was what I wanted after all. The anesthesiologist was in my room in a matter of minutes. He put my epidural in and within fifteen minutes my lower half became numb. The pressure was still there, but the pain went away. I was able to fall asleep for about 4 hours. When I woke up the pressure was really intense. I was checked and I had dilated to 4.5 cm.

I could feel the pressure increasing rapidly and told my nurse. She checked me again and within a short time I progressed from 4.5 to 5 to 6 to 7. The next few hours are a little bit blurry. My contractions were strong and the pressure was so strong I became nauseous and began getting chills. My temperature was rising and I was getting a fever. I was given antibiotics through my IV to help decrease any risk of infection. I fell asleep for a few minutes only to wake up vomiting. I felt much better after throwing up and I wanted to push. I told my nurse I wanted to push but I wasn't completely effaced. One side of my cervix was still there and they were worried it could tear if I began pushing. I wanted to push so badly, the pressure was telling me to push. Finally the nurse decided we could try pushing. 

With my Mom helping push my back forward and Cameron holding one of my legs and the nurse holding my other leg I began to push. Our baby began moving down and I could feel her coming closer to us. Cameron reached down and touched her head and then so did I. I wanted her to be here so badly. I pushed harder. She began to crown and finally within a few more pushes she was out. The umbilical cord was very short so Cameron cut the cord and then they lifted her up and placed her on my chest. She was perfect. I was a mother. Cameron was a father. She was here. And she was ours.

She was born at 9:18 am on Monday, May 5th 2014 weighing 7lbs 15oz and was 20 inches long. Her name is Norah Pearl Bennett. 

All 18 hours of labor to get her here were the most challenging hours of my life. The amount of prayers I had in my heart are countless. The love and support I felt from my Dad who was there for the beginning of my labor, my Mom who was there from start to finish and from Cameron who was there every second was immeasurable. I am changed forever. Norah is filling my heart with a love I never knew before.

s p r i n g

i am sitting in our bedroom writing this with all the windows open and the warm sun beating down on me. pizza is laying out on the balcony soaking up all the sun. i have my shirt pulled up so baby girl can feel the warmth too. i am hoping that tells her the time for us to meet is close. we are two and a half weeks away from being 40 weeks and i am so ready to meet her. 

monday i woke up and was sleeping almost completely on my stomach. i immediately was confused how my body allowed me to do that and also why i hadn't woken up the second i rolled over. i got up from bed and ate breakfast. a few hours passed and i hadn't felt her move. i suddenly got an overwhelming feeling that told me i needed to do something. i tried pushing on her, doing squats, walking around--anything to feel her move. but, nothing. cameron was at work, so i called our friend brett to take me to the hospital. after arriving i was hooked up to some monitors. the second i heard her heartbeat on the monitor i was immediately relived. it was such a comforting sound. i was asked to stay on the monitors for an hour and to see if she would start moving. brett left to work, so i was alone in a huge hospital room with her heartbeat playing on the speakers. i prayed to god that everything would be okay and if it was to show me. that very second she kicked. it had been about a half hour or so-- it was about 2:30 pm. it was my first time feeling her since i had gone to sleep the night before. i was so relieved and began thanking god for the continuous blessings her pours over our family. i laid in that hospital bed, in the hospital i will give birth to our girl and i felt so close to her. i will see her face in that same building soon. each little movement she makes now feels like a blessing and a reminder to me that god is almighty and always listening to my cries for help. pregnancy is hard, there is no doubt about that, but i have learned it can be enjoyed and accepted. i try to not complain about the pain or being uncomfortable because i am blessed to have a body that can conceive a child, grow a child and soon birth a child. we are blessed to have the ability to create a family.

side note: baby has been moving normal since that day and there are no worries.

i am now 31 weeks along in my pregnancy and woah, my belly looks big! i received my first few stretch marks last week and naturally i was disappointed, but then i accepted them and feel kind of proud to have them. it's a reminder of our healthy, growing baby inside of me and how every second we are witnessing a miracle. its still unreal to me that one day i wont have this belly and instead we'll have a baby. the day is getting closer and closer and i feel ready to take on whatever it is that will be required of me as a mother. and i know cameron feels the same about being a father. nothing is sweeter than him kissing my belly before he leaves to work or school and then  first thing when he gets home.

i cannot wait to shower our baby girl with all the love my heart has. i often go into the nursery and just imagine in my mind what it will feel like when i go in there to a crib with a sleeping baby in it. what it will feel like to have her on the changing table putting her into a little outfit handpicked just for her. i imagine laying in bed and peeping my eyes open to see her sleeping peacefully in a bassinet next to us. my mind seems to always be wandering to these dreams of being with our girl. and soon, these won't be dreams. i feel overwhelmingly grateful that god has entrusted cameron and i to be earthly parents of his child.

moments // pondering

this morning cameron doesn't have school or work so he was able to sleep in. i woke up because my hips were killing me, so i filled the tub with warm water and laid in there for at least an hour. i laid in the tub, tickling my belly, knowing in 10 weeks we could be holding our baby girl. i thought about what her birth will be like, what color eyes she will have, if she will have cameron's toes. then i started to ponder what kind of relationship i want with her, what kinda of parent i will be and how i can better myself for her. all of these things are overwhelming, excited and will not all be answered for some time. but i am so excited for the journey of parenthood to begin and to meet and love our girl.

i am feeling much better after figuring out this whole anemia thing. my pregnancy is getting more and more uncomfortable by the day at this point but i can't complain. our little girl is so active and constantly swimming, flailing, kicking, head-butting and booty-bumping. it can be bothersome at times, but i love knowing she's there.

i have started working less days a week. i've gone from working 5 days a week to working just 3. it has made a huge difference. my body was so tired and achy before and now I am usually just tired, not so achy.

its calm and cold and snowy and slow around here. lots of snuggles and tea and blankets and baths. 

i could sleep forever it feels like. just sleep until all the days melt into one. baby kicks and moves constantly. if i don't feel her for fifteen minutes it's odd. i have been preparing mentally for birth and for motherhood, not that you can ever fully prepare for these things, and my excitement is getting hard to contain. every time i think about holding her in my arms for the first time i can't help but feel like i am bursting into little pieces of love. life is a beautiful thing. i never thought in a million years my life would be like this right now. it is perfect. our tiny little apartment, our lazy cat, our loud boiler heater, our overflowing laundry baskets and our always practically empty fridge. 

we have started to put together the nursery for baby girl. so far so good. cameron is slowly but surely choosing more pink. i never thought the day would come where we would have pink in our apartment. but, it is kind of precious too. last week i feel like cameron became a father. he finally had all of it hit him that we will soon have a baby here with us to love and care for. he is so excited now and kisses my belly everyday. who knew some newborn size onesies could do such a thing to a man. 

p r e g n a n c y d r e a m s

photo credit

Last night I had a dream that was very vivid. I dreamed I was rushed into the hospital two days before expecting our child and was ready to deliver. The baby was then taken to the NICU and had to stay there for five days before Cameron and I could even hold her. I cried and cried and cried. I had felt robbed of my birthing experience because things hadn't gone as planned and then I couldn't even have my baby. Finally when we held her she had dark brown hair with hazel eyes and she was so small and perfect. She was wrapped in a pink and white striped blanket and I wanted to take her out of it and see every part of her. I was in love with her. She was a miracle.

Although this was all a dream, and pregnant women have their share of crazy dreams, it spoke to me. I can read and read my birthing books and have a plan and expect everything to go a certain way. But sometimes that doesn't happen. And it's okay. Just seeing her little face in my dream is enough to let me know I just need her. It's all about her.

obsessed // pinterest

1. creating a dollhouse for our daughter just whirls into a fit of happiness.
2. this bedroom is my dream bedroom. this week i did a little tweaking around the house and made our bedroom feel much larger. this photo will forever stand as my inspiration. simple, clean, beautiful.
3. her hair. all of it. i can't stop dreaming of it.
4. all things macrame, woven, and hanging. i need to give a try at something like this.

all photos come from my pinterest