I think anybody who is a mother can relate to feeling like you've lost yourself to motherhood. You put yourself on the back burner a bit. I bathe, dress and feed Norah before I ever do those things for myself. She is my first thought always. Her happiness is the most important thing. It seems like every few months I have a meltdown where I am suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts like "what am I going to do with my life?"

Last night I was having my quarterly identity crisis saying things like,"who am I?", "what am I even doing with my life?", "what do I want to be?", etc. and after my bouts of selfishness Norah suddenly woke up crying really loud and Cameron jumped up out of bed to go grab her from her crib. I got up as well to help find her binky in her crib and the second I got close, even in the complete darkness, she knew I was near and reached her body towards me. I grabbed her and she laid her head on my shoulder and immediately stopped crying and fell back asleep in a second. I got into bed holding her while she held onto me with a tight grip but still so calm. I began to slowly cry and said out loud, "I love her so much my heart is going to explode. I got my answer."

God knows exactly who I am meant to be. He knows who I can become. He knows my purpose. Right now I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Raising, loving and caring for our sweet Norah. I needed that reminder right then and He gave me that.

playing catch up

the months have just flown by and i have been MIA. but with good reason. this girl is the reason, ok. I have a feeling you'll forgive me? thanks.

road trip to idaho

a few months ago cameron had a week off from school and work so we decided to drive up to idaho to visit my family and explore around a little bit. it was really a fun adventure to get away for a while with norah in tow. here are a few pictures we took from the trip. better late than never?

When Norah was just 2 months old, I made this video and never posted it. I came across it just recently and want to share it with you. It unbelievable to see how much she has grown! It is so easy to forget the little faces and movements they make. So I hope to make another video of her now to keep for memories. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX1Zjc22UDI&feature=youtu.be&list=UUY3uo1vaP_90WJK-JF77WwA

Norah & We Wander Floral

Norah and I got together with the talented Brenna Williams also known as We Wander Floral. I am so lucky to have artistic friends. The flowers were gorgeous and Norah was as sweet as can be. I can't help but look at these photos and be in complete awe for how blessed I am to have such a beautiful little girl as my daughter. God makes no mistakes, she is perfect. 

I began reflecting on the sameness of nature and children. Both are beautiful and unique, fragile and delicate, both need love and attention to grow. They are two of God's greatest gifts to us. He is the ultimate artist and creator. 

Here are a few of my favorites.

The lighting is really bad on the next two photos, but they were too cute not to share...

Flowers by We Wander Floral at www.wewanderfloral.com

o n e m o n t h

one month ago (from the 5th. I'm a few days late) our lives changed forever. I remember the moment I first laid eyes on Norah perfectly. It is a memory I will never let my mind dilute. I remember the world seemed to stop and I could hear nothing but her sweet little cry and I could see only her little face. I said out loud "she's perfect." I think that was my way of saying to God that I acknowledge she is His child and was sent to us. Only He could make such a perfect little girl. And with tears streaming down my face I felt the happiest I had ever felt before.

Everyday since then has been beautiful and challenging. But it has been a journey I have wanted to take my whole life. Norah is my girl, and I cannot describe the love I have for her. I feel so lucky to be her mother. 

One month went so fast. And I'm sure the next one will go fast too. Where do I press the rewind button? 

n e e d s

It was 5:30am and I had already been up with Norah for an hour. She was crying for reasons I couldn't figure out. I was so tired and getting frustrated. Cameron was getting ready for work and I was saying things like " I can't do this" and "she can just cry then." My eyes could hardly stay opened and my patience was running thin. The more frustrated I got, the more she seemed to cry. Finally I broke down in tears praying I would know what to do. I cried and Norah looked me in the eyes and it felt like she knew. Like she could hear my prayer. I told her out loud how sorry I was for being mean and getting frustrated and she stopped crying, shut her eyes and fell asleep. 

I think about how much she needs from me. She completely relies on me to feed her, change her diapers, bathe her, clothe her, swaddle her, comfort her, burp her, love her. But what I realized that morning was I need her too. She humbles me and reminds me that it's okay to cry and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not expected to be a perfect mother, but I am expected to do my very best. She reminds me to pray and ask for help and thank Him for the blessing of motherhood. She teaches me patience and selflessness. She slows me down so I can enjoy the little moments. She reminds me of innocence and purity.  She reminds me that I am a child of God. She strengthens my faith in myself and Christ. She shows me true, unconditional love. 

God knows I need her much more than she needs me. 

2 w e e k s

time flies. i can't believe norah is already 2 weeks old. she loves to eat and wiggle and make noises while she sleeps. she tries lifting her head up and can flare her nostrils just like her mama. she spreads her long little toes and seems to always have her pinky finger up - classy.

cameron and i are both smitten by her. we are also very tired around here. lots of naps, hulu watching and early bedtimes. some moments i feel completely run down and cameron swoops in and sends me off to take a long shower and even a nap (!!!!) while he watches norah. thank you, husband.

we love her more than we can ever put into words.

p.s. thank you cameron and jake for the photos.

Norah Pearl Bennett / Birth Story

My due date was April 28th and it had already gone and passed. It's a strange feeling waking up days after your due date and still not having a baby. I found myself in tears at least once a day with a prayer in my heart that the right time would be soon. On Sunday, May 4th I felt that my water might be leaking, so Cameron and I headed to the hospital around 3 pm. They checked and my water had not broken. I felt disappointed. I had been scheduled for an induction that night and hoped I would naturally go into labor before then. The hours were running out though and since I was already at the hospital Cameron and I along with our doctor decided to begin inducing labor right then.

My doctor came and broke my water, informed me I was 4 cm dilated and then allowed me one hour to begin having natural contractions before turning to Pitocin. No contractions. Pitocin was given to me the next hour. Slowly I began to contract. I moved from the bed to a rocking chair to a birthing ball to the wall to Cameron. Nothing seemed to be helpful. The contractions were coming every minute or two. I wanted to walk or get in the tub but because of the Pitocin I had to be monitored at all times. I was disappointed but it had been 4 hours so I thought maybe if I had made progress it would give me the push I needed to continue.

I was still 4 cm dilated. Not what I wanted to hear but I just kept working with the pain. I was breathing the way I had practiced for so long. My mom was rubbing and pushing on my back and knees. I was thinking of my baby and reminding myself that I was strong. The pain increased and the contractions grew closer together. I sat on a birthing ball with Cameron in front of me encouraging me through each contraction. I was exhausted. I started to become dizzy and nauseous so I got back into the bed afraid I might lose balance on the ball. It had been another 4 hours so I figured I must be progressing and wanted to be checked. The nurse again said I was still 4 cm. 

My dizziness, chills, nausea and overall pain became unbearable. I was exhausted with no signs of progression. In between contractions I began telling Cameron I wasn't sure I could continue like this. He talked with me, encouraged me and then eventually allowed me to make my decision. I told the nurse I wanted an epidural. She too also talked with me to make sure I was positive this was what I wanted after all. The anesthesiologist was in my room in a matter of minutes. He put my epidural in and within fifteen minutes my lower half became numb. The pressure was still there, but the pain went away. I was able to fall asleep for about 4 hours. When I woke up the pressure was really intense. I was checked and I had dilated to 4.5 cm.

I could feel the pressure increasing rapidly and told my nurse. She checked me again and within a short time I progressed from 4.5 to 5 to 6 to 7. The next few hours are a little bit blurry. My contractions were strong and the pressure was so strong I became nauseous and began getting chills. My temperature was rising and I was getting a fever. I was given antibiotics through my IV to help decrease any risk of infection. I fell asleep for a few minutes only to wake up vomiting. I felt much better after throwing up and I wanted to push. I told my nurse I wanted to push but I wasn't completely effaced. One side of my cervix was still there and they were worried it could tear if I began pushing. I wanted to push so badly, the pressure was telling me to push. Finally the nurse decided we could try pushing. 

With my Mom helping push my back forward and Cameron holding one of my legs and the nurse holding my other leg I began to push. Our baby began moving down and I could feel her coming closer to us. Cameron reached down and touched her head and then so did I. I wanted her to be here so badly. I pushed harder. She began to crown and finally within a few more pushes she was out. The umbilical cord was very short so Cameron cut the cord and then they lifted her up and placed her on my chest. She was perfect. I was a mother. Cameron was a father. She was here. And she was ours.

She was born at 9:18 am on Monday, May 5th 2014 weighing 7lbs 15oz and was 20 inches long. Her name is Norah Pearl Bennett. 

All 18 hours of labor to get her here were the most challenging hours of my life. The amount of prayers I had in my heart are countless. The love and support I felt from my Dad who was there for the beginning of my labor, my Mom who was there from start to finish and from Cameron who was there every second was immeasurable. I am changed forever. Norah is filling my heart with a love I never knew before.