n e e d s

It was 5:30am and I had already been up with Norah for an hour. She was crying for reasons I couldn't figure out. I was so tired and getting frustrated. Cameron was getting ready for work and I was saying things like " I can't do this" and "she can just cry then." My eyes could hardly stay opened and my patience was running thin. The more frustrated I got, the more she seemed to cry. Finally I broke down in tears praying I would know what to do. I cried and Norah looked me in the eyes and it felt like she knew. Like she could hear my prayer. I told her out loud how sorry I was for being mean and getting frustrated and she stopped crying, shut her eyes and fell asleep. 

I think about how much she needs from me. She completely relies on me to feed her, change her diapers, bathe her, clothe her, swaddle her, comfort her, burp her, love her. But what I realized that morning was I need her too. She humbles me and reminds me that it's okay to cry and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not expected to be a perfect mother, but I am expected to do my very best. She reminds me to pray and ask for help and thank Him for the blessing of motherhood. She teaches me patience and selflessness. She slows me down so I can enjoy the little moments. She reminds me of innocence and purity.  She reminds me that I am a child of God. She strengthens my faith in myself and Christ. She shows me true, unconditional love. 

God knows I need her much more than she needs me. 

2 w e e k s

time flies. i can't believe norah is already 2 weeks old. she loves to eat and wiggle and make noises while she sleeps. she tries lifting her head up and can flare her nostrils just like her mama. she spreads her long little toes and seems to always have her pinky finger up - classy.

cameron and i are both smitten by her. we are also very tired around here. lots of naps, hulu watching and early bedtimes. some moments i feel completely run down and cameron swoops in and sends me off to take a long shower and even a nap (!!!!) while he watches norah. thank you, husband.

we love her more than we can ever put into words.

p.s. thank you cameron and jake for the photos.

Norah Pearl Bennett / Birth Story

My due date was April 28th and it had already gone and passed. It's a strange feeling waking up days after your due date and still not having a baby. I found myself in tears at least once a day with a prayer in my heart that the right time would be soon. On Sunday, May 4th I felt that my water might be leaking, so Cameron and I headed to the hospital around 3 pm. They checked and my water had not broken. I felt disappointed. I had been scheduled for an induction that night and hoped I would naturally go into labor before then. The hours were running out though and since I was already at the hospital Cameron and I along with our doctor decided to begin inducing labor right then.

My doctor came and broke my water, informed me I was 4 cm dilated and then allowed me one hour to begin having natural contractions before turning to Pitocin. No contractions. Pitocin was given to me the next hour. Slowly I began to contract. I moved from the bed to a rocking chair to a birthing ball to the wall to Cameron. Nothing seemed to be helpful. The contractions were coming every minute or two. I wanted to walk or get in the tub but because of the Pitocin I had to be monitored at all times. I was disappointed but it had been 4 hours so I thought maybe if I had made progress it would give me the push I needed to continue.

I was still 4 cm dilated. Not what I wanted to hear but I just kept working with the pain. I was breathing the way I had practiced for so long. My mom was rubbing and pushing on my back and knees. I was thinking of my baby and reminding myself that I was strong. The pain increased and the contractions grew closer together. I sat on a birthing ball with Cameron in front of me encouraging me through each contraction. I was exhausted. I started to become dizzy and nauseous so I got back into the bed afraid I might lose balance on the ball. It had been another 4 hours so I figured I must be progressing and wanted to be checked. The nurse again said I was still 4 cm. 

My dizziness, chills, nausea and overall pain became unbearable. I was exhausted with no signs of progression. In between contractions I began telling Cameron I wasn't sure I could continue like this. He talked with me, encouraged me and then eventually allowed me to make my decision. I told the nurse I wanted an epidural. She too also talked with me to make sure I was positive this was what I wanted after all. The anesthesiologist was in my room in a matter of minutes. He put my epidural in and within fifteen minutes my lower half became numb. The pressure was still there, but the pain went away. I was able to fall asleep for about 4 hours. When I woke up the pressure was really intense. I was checked and I had dilated to 4.5 cm.

I could feel the pressure increasing rapidly and told my nurse. She checked me again and within a short time I progressed from 4.5 to 5 to 6 to 7. The next few hours are a little bit blurry. My contractions were strong and the pressure was so strong I became nauseous and began getting chills. My temperature was rising and I was getting a fever. I was given antibiotics through my IV to help decrease any risk of infection. I fell asleep for a few minutes only to wake up vomiting. I felt much better after throwing up and I wanted to push. I told my nurse I wanted to push but I wasn't completely effaced. One side of my cervix was still there and they were worried it could tear if I began pushing. I wanted to push so badly, the pressure was telling me to push. Finally the nurse decided we could try pushing. 

With my Mom helping push my back forward and Cameron holding one of my legs and the nurse holding my other leg I began to push. Our baby began moving down and I could feel her coming closer to us. Cameron reached down and touched her head and then so did I. I wanted her to be here so badly. I pushed harder. She began to crown and finally within a few more pushes she was out. The umbilical cord was very short so Cameron cut the cord and then they lifted her up and placed her on my chest. She was perfect. I was a mother. Cameron was a father. She was here. And she was ours.

She was born at 9:18 am on Monday, May 5th 2014 weighing 7lbs 15oz and was 20 inches long. Her name is Norah Pearl Bennett. 

All 18 hours of labor to get her here were the most challenging hours of my life. The amount of prayers I had in my heart are countless. The love and support I felt from my Dad who was there for the beginning of my labor, my Mom who was there from start to finish and from Cameron who was there every second was immeasurable. I am changed forever. Norah is filling my heart with a love I never knew before.

a n n i v e r s a r y

^^shortly after we got married, via iphone

In two days, Cameron and I will have been married for one year. I cannot help but to think back and smile, cry, laugh.

I think about when we lived in a tiny studio apartment in an old house last year. At the time I didn't have a job and ends were barely being met. I spent most of my days trying to cool down since we had no A/C. I would keep our screen-less windows open and watch our cat to make sure he didn't try jumping out. (One time he did try and I swear I almost jumped out after him--natural reaction in my cat lady heart) We drove past that old house yesterday on our way to the doctor and we talked about how maybe one day when our baby girl is older we can show her where her dad and mom first lived together. We used to drive past that place and not really even take a second glance at it. But yesterday it looked different. My mind became cluttered with memories from that small little place of ours. It was the place we moved in together after we married. It was the place we had our first married arguments and had no separate room to run way to. It was where I struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety again. It was the place we learned of marital problems family members were going through. It was the place we adopted and lost a kitten. It was the place we painted and made music. It was the place we cooked together. It was the place we laughed and grew. It was the place where we found out we were having our first child.  It was the place everything was stripped away and we really felt together.

I could no longer sleep after Cameron kissed me goodbye and left to work this morning. I think about our child and how I felt like the time would never come where we are just waiting for her to arrive. I think about her face and how perfect it must be. I think of everything leading up to this point in my life and I'm overwhelmed with emotions that I'm not sure have names. I can only feel grateful for my Savior who I know has felt every second of my life with me. Only Him and I know what my life has been and what it could have easily been and what it is like for me now.

Now it is simple-complicated, easy-hard. I have what I need. I have a best friend, partner, husband, lover, companion, supporter. We have a child whom we have not met but love unconditionally. We have the gospel that fills us.

I am bombarded with happiness when I think of the day coming soon where I get to be sealed to Cameron and our little girl and our future children for eternity.

Happy Anniversary -in two days- Cameron. You know how my heart beats for you.

m o m e n t s

beading bracelets to pass the time or "braceleting" as cameron would say // new shoes from cameron encourage me to walk // 38 week belly photo // pizza is on neighborhood watch this week // enjoying our little sunny space in silence // checking out my husband, he's cute // nursery is all ready to go

photos were taking with my iphone4 AKA bad quality

moments // pondering

this morning cameron doesn't have school or work so he was able to sleep in. i woke up because my hips were killing me, so i filled the tub with warm water and laid in there for at least an hour. i laid in the tub, tickling my belly, knowing in 10 weeks we could be holding our baby girl. i thought about what her birth will be like, what color eyes she will have, if she will have cameron's toes. then i started to ponder what kind of relationship i want with her, what kinda of parent i will be and how i can better myself for her. all of these things are overwhelming, excited and will not all be answered for some time. but i am so excited for the journey of parenthood to begin and to meet and love our girl.

i am feeling much better after figuring out this whole anemia thing. my pregnancy is getting more and more uncomfortable by the day at this point but i can't complain. our little girl is so active and constantly swimming, flailing, kicking, head-butting and booty-bumping. it can be bothersome at times, but i love knowing she's there.

i have started working less days a week. i've gone from working 5 days a week to working just 3. it has made a huge difference. my body was so tired and achy before and now I am usually just tired, not so achy.

moments // love

yesterday was Cameron's birthday. tomorrow is valentines day. today is the day between the two where I found myself thinking of how grateful I am for him and trying to grasp the amount of love I have for him. that's something I still haven't been able to comprehend. I love that he is always so happy and laughing and fun and romantic and positive and handsome. I made this playlist for him and also for my enjoyment. the first song is a very special song to us. in high school we always said lyrics from it to each other and it was "our song". years later, we learned to play it on the ukulele together. the day Cameron proposed to me, he gave me a card with the song's lyrics written in it. later that night when he proposed the song was playing softly in the background. and lastly, on our wedding day we danced to it for the first time as husband and wife.

kiss the one you love today, remind them how sweet they make your life and thank God for teaching us unconditional love.

every day, i love you from danibennett on 8tracks Radio.

sea of love // cat power

cuddle fuddle // passion pit

i only have eyes for you // summer camp

love love love // of monsters and men

unrequited love // lykke li

reasons to love you // meiko

let your love grow tall // passion pit

just like heaven // katie melua