My mind and heart is completely full of insight and hope among a million other feelings that I just have to get
it written down. Today at church a lesson was based on a talk given by Elder Holland in conference. She wrote a quote on the board that I think I read a million times in that one hour. It said, "Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe." This struck a huge chord inside of me. I think back when I struggled with my testimony. I remember meeting with my Bishop and telling him, "I just don't know anymore." He couldn't understand. I sat there with complaints on things I didn't understand, with unanswered questions and more than anything-- doubt. I had given up. I became so focused on what I didn't know anymore rather than focusing on what I did know. He told me once that he had made an effort to talk to people throughout the church who had been a teacher of mine or known me well and specifically asked them about me. When he first told me this, I didn't know what to expect. He told me how every single person he talked to immediately mentioned my testimony. Saying that I had never been afraid to share it and that is was strong and focused on Christ and His Atonement. I didn't feel like they could possibly be talking about me. I remember making excuses like, "well that's just not me anymore." I was frustrated. Where did that girl with the testimony go? How did I have one and now I have nothing? My mother often asked me, "why can't you just trust me and believe that the church is where you need to be?" She was my Mom who I could trust with anything, I wanted to trust her, I wanted that to be enough. But each and every time my doubts were enough to sway me. I wasn't enough, I didn't have enough and wouldn't ever be enough. I don't know really what happened or when I realized it didn't matter what I didn't know, it mattered what I did know. And I knew that it made me happy, that it made my parents happy and that Christ loved me despite who I had become. The book of Alma in the Book of Mormon says, “Even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe.” I took what felt like a monster leap of faith and went straight into my Bishop's office and said, "I'm ready. I want to do this thing for real." I remember the Bishop got emotional and I saw relief in his face. He had been fighting for me to just commit for a very long time. It has been a year since I walked into his office and chose Christ over everything else. And it has been a bittersweet year for sure. There have been bumps along the way and moments where I forgot but I have learned to hold onto the small faith that I do have and believe that anything is enough. I love that we are told to "fan our flame of faith" because sometimes the flame can dwindle but it's there and that's all that matters. I just have to believe and this will all be possible.
If you want to listen to Elder Holland's entire talk, here it is: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng
