Your Story, Marlowe

5:03am  /  7 pounds 11 ounces  /  19.5 inches

Marlowe,

I want you to always know that from the day we knew you existed, so teeny tiny in my tummy, we loved you. When you did arrive it felt like "finally. she's here in body and in spirit". We had a place for you and you belonged. The moment I saw your face will be etched into my mind and heart forever and those first moments just you, me and your dad will be one of my most cherished life experiences.

We arrived at the hospital around 11pm on Wednesday, the 24th. We had just said goodbye to your sister, Norah, for the last time as our only daughter (and for her first sleepover!). I couldn't seem to stop thinking how very soon everything would be different. The car ride to the hospital felt so long. I don't even remember what your Dad and I talked about but we were very talkative. Nerves, I guess. We waited so long to meet you and the time was near.

I was 6cm dilated and 90% effaced upon my arrival. I was having contractions according to their machine, but wasn't feeling them. I had them break my water. Within minutes I was having full blown painful contractions. Your Dad and I walked the halls, v e r y   s l o w l y.  No longer able to walk, we headed back to the room and I spent the next three hours on the birthing ball. Each time I contracted, your Dad would push on my back or my knees trying to help me relieve some of the pain and pressure. I tried my hardest to realize each surge of pain was bringing you closer to us. I was shivering and shaking uncontrollably since my water had been broken. I decided a hot shower might help. Standing in the shower with nothing to hold onto was miserable. So, I got dressed and headed back to the bed and asked for an epidural. I was tired, I couldn't stop shaking and I was nauseous. After receiving the epidural, I wanted to sleep but wasn't able to because of the pressure. I laid there for maybe 30 minutes before I felt the sudden urge to throw up. So I did. And I knew exactly what that meant. I did the same thing minutes before delivering your older sister. I had the nurse check me and we were ready to go. The doctor came in and with one push I watched your head move further down. I stopped watching the mirror after that first push because I wanted to focus. I sat myself up high enough to watch you enter the world. Two more pushes and your head was out and you cried. One more push and you were in my hands. You were perfect. You immediately calmed when you were placed on my chest. I can't even describe the overwhelming love we felt for you and for God blessing us with you. My heart felt like it was swelling out of my chest. 

Later the day you were born, Norah and you met for the first time in this earthly life. I imagine you knew each other before you were both sent here. Norah was so amazed and happy that you came out of my tummy. She held you and looked at you very closely. Then, decided you were too heavy and she couldn't hold you any longer. I can't wait to watch you two grow together. 

When I was pregnant with you I had a vivid dream about your birth. In a portion of the dream I told your Dad the name we chose for you wasn't the right name and that your name was to start with an M. At the time of the dream we were certain we would name you Goldie. Days before your birth we chose the name Margot and thought that must be it. Once you were born Margot didn't seem to fit after all. Your soul was soft and calm and your name need to match it. We chose Marlowe Ivory for you and we think it fits just perfectly.

 You already have brought so much joy and happiness into our lives. We were made for you and you were made for us. 

Love, your Mama.

I think anybody who is a mother can relate to feeling like you've lost yourself to motherhood. You put yourself on the back burner a bit. I bathe, dress and feed Norah before I ever do those things for myself. She is my first thought always. Her happiness is the most important thing. It seems like every few months I have a meltdown where I am suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts like "what am I going to do with my life?"

Last night I was having my quarterly identity crisis saying things like,"who am I?", "what am I even doing with my life?", "what do I want to be?", etc. and after my bouts of selfishness Norah suddenly woke up crying really loud and Cameron jumped up out of bed to go grab her from her crib. I got up as well to help find her binky in her crib and the second I got close, even in the complete darkness, she knew I was near and reached her body towards me. I grabbed her and she laid her head on my shoulder and immediately stopped crying and fell back asleep in a second. I got into bed holding her while she held onto me with a tight grip but still so calm. I began to slowly cry and said out loud, "I love her so much my heart is going to explode. I got my answer."

God knows exactly who I am meant to be. He knows who I can become. He knows my purpose. Right now I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Raising, loving and caring for our sweet Norah. I needed that reminder right then and He gave me that.

playing catch up

the months have just flown by and i have been MIA. but with good reason. this girl is the reason, ok. I have a feeling you'll forgive me? thanks.

road trip to idaho

a few months ago cameron had a week off from school and work so we decided to drive up to idaho to visit my family and explore around a little bit. it was really a fun adventure to get away for a while with norah in tow. here are a few pictures we took from the trip. better late than never?

When Norah was just 2 months old, I made this video and never posted it. I came across it just recently and want to share it with you. It unbelievable to see how much she has grown! It is so easy to forget the little faces and movements they make. So I hope to make another video of her now to keep for memories. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX1Zjc22UDI&feature=youtu.be&list=UUY3uo1vaP_90WJK-JF77WwA

Norah & We Wander Floral

Norah and I got together with the talented Brenna Williams also known as We Wander Floral. I am so lucky to have artistic friends. The flowers were gorgeous and Norah was as sweet as can be. I can't help but look at these photos and be in complete awe for how blessed I am to have such a beautiful little girl as my daughter. God makes no mistakes, she is perfect. 

I began reflecting on the sameness of nature and children. Both are beautiful and unique, fragile and delicate, both need love and attention to grow. They are two of God's greatest gifts to us. He is the ultimate artist and creator. 

Here are a few of my favorites.

The lighting is really bad on the next two photos, but they were too cute not to share...

Flowers by We Wander Floral at www.wewanderfloral.com

o n e m o n t h

one month ago (from the 5th. I'm a few days late) our lives changed forever. I remember the moment I first laid eyes on Norah perfectly. It is a memory I will never let my mind dilute. I remember the world seemed to stop and I could hear nothing but her sweet little cry and I could see only her little face. I said out loud "she's perfect." I think that was my way of saying to God that I acknowledge she is His child and was sent to us. Only He could make such a perfect little girl. And with tears streaming down my face I felt the happiest I had ever felt before.

Everyday since then has been beautiful and challenging. But it has been a journey I have wanted to take my whole life. Norah is my girl, and I cannot describe the love I have for her. I feel so lucky to be her mother. 

One month went so fast. And I'm sure the next one will go fast too. Where do I press the rewind button?